Welcome to the Wall Street of the NFL—If only everything were that guaranteed.
When is it not a good day to be Josh Allen? The Buffalo Bills’ quarterback just signed an NFL record-breaking contract. In August 2024, Allen said his time would come when asked about other NFL quarterbacks having larger salaries than him. Well, it’s come. On March 9, he agreed with the Bills to a six-year extension, signing a $330 million contract with a guaranteed $250 million. Allen is officially the league’s highest-paid player.
During his seven seasons, Allen is already considered one of the best players in Bills history. He is the only quarterback in NFL history with at least 25 touchdown passes and 12 touchdown runs in multiple seasons. He broke the Bills record with 65 career touchdown runs last year and he currently has 195 career touchdown passes, which places him second in franchise history to Jim Kelly.
He won his first league MVP in the 2024 season after leading the Bills to a regular season 13-4 record. Allen led the Bills to their fifth consecutive AFC East title and a pair of playoff wins over the Denver Broncos and Baltimore Ravens.
The Bills believe his contract to be justified and, as we all know, $250M is rarely guaranteed. And by rarely, I mean never. So here’s a list of things less guaranteed than Josh Allen’s $250M (don’t worry, it’s the CliffsNote version).
Buffalo weather stays the same for more than an hour
Unfortunately for Buffalo and Bills fans, the weather changes on a dime. One minute you're enjoying some rays of sunshine and the next you’re stocking up on layers for the snow. We’d all love to go to a game where we don’t keep adding and taking off layers. How does that saying go? Buffalo is the land of ice and snow and cold?
A Bills game without a shirtless fan in a blizzard
Going off that cold weather thought, when has there ever been a Bills game, taking place in a snowstorm, where we haven’t seen at least one fan going shirtless? Don’t get me wrong, I think they're having the most fun out of all of us and I can appreciate the dedication to the team, but if there’s a blizzard, you are guaranteed to see at least one fan waving their shirt in the air.
A kicker making a field goal in Buffalo winds
Once more with the weather and that’ll be it I swear (sorry Buffalonians!). I know it’s been done and it can be done but it is most definitely less guaranteed than Josh Allen’s $250M. The strongest winds recorded in 2024 were on Jan. 9 at 70 mph. While that is not always the case, with the number of blizzards and snowstorms during Buffalo games, it’s no wonder some of the kickers from warmer and calmer climates can’t make a field goal.
Buffalo not getting overly excited when the Jets or Dolphins lose
I know I can’t hate on this too much, they are their rivals, but Buffalo fans go crazy when those teams lose. I once had a fan go on for 20 minutes about a Dolphins loss, and the Bills had already made it to the playoffs. As I said before, Bills fans are committed and will celebrate any loss for the Jets and Dolphins.
A Bills tailgate ending without someone jumping through a table
Bills Mafia tailgaters are built differently. They have many traditions ranging from the stacks of buffalo wings to showing up before dawn outside the stadium, but jumping through tables has got to be the wildest. Is it a celebration? A superstition? A pre-game ritual? Who knows, but it will happen during Bills game day.
Finding decent parking in Highmark Stadium
With Bills Mafia growing with each season, the parking at Highmark is getting slim. Tailgating starts before the crack of dawn so if you’re just looking to park and watch the game, you’re out of luck. You will always find parking in Buffalo, don’t fret, but you may be walking the length of a marathon to get there. Make sure to always leave yourself enough time before the game and pack your favorite running shoes, cause you are never guaranteed to find good parking at a Bills game.
The Bills running the ball when they should run the ball
Overly reliant on yours truly, Josh Allen, the Bills have gotten the reputation of neglecting the opportunity to run the ball when they have the chance. With a pass-heavy approach, the Bills play an aggressive game and don’t tend to rely on the traditional handoffs to running backs. A guaranteed handoff would be nice every once in a while.
Buffalo finally hosting an AFC Championship.
With seven appearances and four wins, but only three hosts, the Bills are due to have an AFC Championship at home. Their last two AFC appearances were against the Chiefs in Kansas City. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the three home turf championships led to a victory for the Bills. But since the host is determined by the regular season record, it looks like the Bills are just going to have to step it up.
Some notable mentions:
Wi-Fi in a crowded stadium
Watching a primetime game without falling into a TikTok rabbit hole at halftime - how do I end up on ‘2016 aesthetic’ TikTok?
Your ‘For You’ page giving you what you want - More Josh Allen highlights and less “how to make overnight oats” please
Wings coming with ranch instead of blue cheese in Buffalo - that’s just not a thing and I’m here for it
But honestly, the most real of them all, the least guaranteed thing is Josh Allen leaving the Bills. I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised if he retired with them at this point. As arguably their best QB in history, with his new contract running through 2028, his loyalty and legacy in Buffalo and consistently saying he wants to follow in Jim Kelly’s footsteps, I don’t see his departure from the Bills taking place for years to come. Allen is the face of the franchise, and though he should be getting a reality show: “Million Dollar Quarterback” (could you imagine?), he’s locked in with the Bills thanks to his guaranteed $250M. If only everything were that guaranteed.
Edited by Madison Roost